Hot & Cold

It's been a long time since I didn't post anything and to my amazement how things worked hectically worse within a year. The highlight of this post is not going to be my new year's resolution, and not even close as the post of my current life as a trainee teacher and daily routine, whatnot. I just feel like to express on kinda love-hate issue(s), my current love issue and to be frank, it's a burden to have spoken it loud in my mind, and I'll just speak it out, mostly all of it. I'm now at the point that I just don't care of the quote, "some things are better left unsaid" because you just can't keep a heavy strain that you carry somewhere deep in your heart & sometimes, you just have to let it all out. And I'm currently in that kind of situation.

I'm unofficially nineteen and it's 19 days left until my birthday and logically, most people must expect that I should be well behaved like a lady now instead acting like a girl. I'm still that childish thirteenish fatin who is still an ordinary girl, the one who goes crazy over of those handsome those cool younger guys (ok younger guys are major turn on. I found that most of them are cute, you feel me?), still the one who has random crush on random guys. Okay my point here is that my friends, my close friends, say that I'm a girl with the brain, a smart ass academically, I don't mean to boast or brag here, but I'm just a dumb person when it comes to love. I'm weak and that type of a girl who would chase after a guy, I'm not the girl whom everyone considers as an impossible-to-get girl because I have a very low ego in me and because I easily stumble upon a sweet talker. Many times, my friends brainwashed me that I should keep my defenses stronger and I should not let any guys to play with my feelings, I should not simply open up my heart to a guy that I just met for less than a week and you know the reality is though I fall in love so fast, I would fall so hard and would foolishly stay for a wrong guy, and would go after a guy begging to love me and tend to be obsessed over the same guy that in the end he would just take me for granted and hardly to move on  it's so wrong, I know. No wonder my relationships never last longer.

So, ever since after the breakup last year, I've been settling into myself. I swear it was the worst break up I ever had in my entire life. I lost my appetite in months, I vomited whenever I ate, found myself waking up with the tears after sleepless nights, stranded in my room contemplating on why it was over and it took almost a year to move on and up until now, a few times I still let myself reminiscing the memories of me with him. Not only that, most of the time, I purposely did not want to keep in touch with any of my guy friends and that makes me socially awkward around guys.

But.... there's this guy. I don't know I thought I already recovered from the feelings of not to let myself having a crush on a guy but I guess I'm just a girl. I was just trying to be nice after a long time avoiding myself from guys, we had this conversation, he even called me sayang and he shared his deepest secret that he has never told to anyone (idk if I can trust this guy) and we hangout together. And one night, he confessed that he liked me and he liked to hangout with me and that sounds he friendzoned me. But at the same time, he kept on giving me mixed signals. Because after dragging me into this friendzone, he said that by any chance he might fall in love with me and there it goes, the thing is he makes me confused, it seems like he leaves me hanging, as if he is saying "oh this is hot. no, it's cold. yeah hot. no, it's cold", you get me? After all disappoinment he made me, he still can act as if nothing happened, as if he never owed me a freakin' truth. I don't know how to say anymore.

The rule is simple. If you're a guy and you want to talk to me and be friends with me, just know your limits. If you intend to say the nicest and sweetest thing to a girl, please note that the things you're going to say are true or else do not say anything at all. Or else, you will just make things worse, like me, now.

Well, I'm here to convince myself that I shouldn't be spent trying to please a guy. I should be filled my life to find myself and build friendships, not to worry having a partner just for the sake of seeking for love pleasure, no. I have perfect bestfriends, lovely room mates, cool classmates, sporting family, and I finally get back in touch with my guy friends after so long avoiding them, not to forget that I just wanna be friends with him, and yeah, that's it. 

p/s: i strive for 4.0 flat pointer!!! Insha Allah hehe! ;)

Assalamualaikum.

JAUH PERJALANAN, LUAS PENGALAMAN

Hi muggles (oh wellz macam la dunia ni wujud witch or you know other creatures that exist selain manusia kan oh wellz idec i just like to say hello just a simple hello to humans well muggles is actually referred to humans so fullstop)

Ikr the last time I post was a long long time ago, several decades months la kan. Sebenarnya banyak benda yang berlaku since after spm. Oh yes, I've got 6A 3B 1C and no comment. So lazy nak cakap panjang lebar sebab past is past. Referring to my post title, I know you guys must be wondering apa la agaknya budak tok ('tok' means ini) merepek kan. Actually dah lama fatin nak post pasal ni but memandangkan fatin agak busy and not into blogger, well sebenarnya sekarang pun tengah busy ada courseworks tapi entah la, rasa nak luahkan apa yang terpendam, I mean apa yang I have been through these days, it is not easy.

Things are not going to be easy. Future is never meant to be easy. Decision is always meant to force people having critical thoughts on how to make or fix things right. So, that is it, that is what I'm going to tell you right now... from A to Z.

I am not good at making decision. Never good enough. I don't know. Firstly, after result spm keluar, memang dah jangka la result 6A's, so automatically nak apply Form 6 at St. Joseph. Meanwhile, fatin pun dapat jugak tawaran for matrikulasi but I rejected sebab masalahnya I tak minat science. If only I minat science pun, I memang awal awal apply asasi unimas but I didn't want to, instead I applied other courses in UiTM. Then, I successfully dapat course Diploma in Office Management in UiTM but that course was the one I applied as third option if I'm not mistaken. So, I guess I'm not really interested. I was actually in dilemma either still nak stay Form 6 or quit and then go for UiTM sebab kat UiTM member banyak. Tapi sampai bila nak belajar sebab member so I turned down the offer for UiTM.

I thought Form 6 was okay, even I ambik arts in Form 6, still things, everyday quite tough. I can't get used to wear uniform (even I pernah mengaku I suka uniform but tengok kawan lain from other U semua pakai baju kurung raya ke kelas and bukan uniform sekolah memang quite rasa macam masih bebudak lagi) and to get used to the instructions and rules in school especially tak boleh bawa handphone ke sekolah sedangkan kat U boleh bawak phone. Plus, St.Joseph is an all-boys school, not quite comfortable dengan surrounding majority males. Fatin got St. Jo sebab tu pun my parents punya workplace just really near to the school. But I admit memang cuci mata tengok adik adik comel (comel lah sangat).

I was thinking to quit, and at the same time dad suggested me to apply ipts (this was my very last option after form 6 and maktab perguruan). Oh yes, masa tu I tak dapat maktab so, I didn't have choice lagi. Then, I thought nak pergi enroll to SeGi College nak ambil diploma hotel management but I had this second thought yang I memang never meant to do diploma sebab hati fatin memang tak nak diploma. Entah. So, then I terus enroll Unitar (berdepan je dengan Swee Kang ok). Tadaaa I officially studied in Unitar for Foundation in Management. I'm telling you memang banyak memories best and unforgettable moments sepanjang belajar kat sini. Everyone was so nice and memang very nice and down to earth especially seniors memang pergh gila happy-go-lucky and friendly la. I even masuk Kelab Seni Tari. I sempat belajar tarian zapin, until now I ingat step ni because I buat this tarian as my exercise everyday 15 minutes punya exercise. Sumpah I miss unitar a lot. Also fatin dah habis buat all assignments for the individual and group. Tunggu nak buat final exam lagi which is lepas raya. Time really flies so fast, semester 1 punya duration only less than 3 months. But suddenly on that sunday morning, everything has changed after a call from this officer..

Officer: Ini Cik Fatin Amalina Syazwani bt. Mahdi?
Me (baru bangun dari tidur masih mamai): Ya saya
Officer: Saya ada tawaran untuk cik, cik dapat tawaran third intake di IPG Keningau, Sabah untuk course TESL.
Me: ........... Ni prank call ka?
Officer: Eh tak da la cik. Kami memang menawarkan cik untuk peluang yang terakhir. Cik saja yang dari sarawak. Kami nak cik DECIDE IN 15 MINUTES TO SAY YES OR NO.  Sebab kalau cik tak terima tawaran ni, kami nak bagi dengan orang lain lagi. Kami kena buat procedure ni secepat yang mungkin.

Ikr. Idk what to say masa tu. Nak happy pun ada, nak nangis pun ada, nak marah nak sedih everything ada. Only God knows my situation masa tu. I just couldn't decide, can you imagine people giving you 15 minutes to just say yes or no for your future, your FREAKING FUTURE and you just have no idea nak buat apa. Nak sembahyang istikharah pun dah tak sempat masa tu. Fatin happy sebab selama ni nak jugak away from Kuching. Fatin nak nangis sebab selama ni banyak dah assignment fatin dah buat sampai tak tidur malam bersengkang mata hafal script untuk presentation. Nak marah sebab masa nak decide 15 minutes je. Nak sedih sebab paksa tinggalkan unitar. Lastly I told my dad, "Parents always decide the best". I know my dad nak sangat fatin jadi cikgu, dari kecik lagi dia hoping fatin jadi cikgu macam dia jugak. Even though fatin tak suka sangat budak kecik especially spoiled brats and tak pandai mengajar (walaupun before this pernah buat tusyen sendiri tapi sebenarnya tak confident nak buat OFFICIAL TEACHING tu) but then dad said ipg is the place where students are trained to teach and to get comfortable with kids, oh wells ye ke.

So, it is official. On sunday I approved the offer, that sunday lah last minute book ticket to sabah for tuesday. and imagine la, on monday I was really in a rush prepare segala documents, nak buat quit letter to unitar (I have to ulang alik ke pejabat unitar 4 to 5 times urus hal quit from morning sampai petang),  nak pack barang, nak beli barang for asrama and buat medical checkup sampai terlanjak ke maghrib(berbuka puasa) sebab tuesday dah nak fly. Everything was in the last minute, I'm telling you.

I registered as guru pelatih PPISMP TESL (ohmygod ohmygod dasyat gigantic gila bunyi) on 24 July. I was quite enjoyed dengan kehidupan asrama, best. My classmates 20 orang, oh well, I'm the only sarawakian, yang lain semua from sabah and semenanjung. So now fatin tengah sibuk buat 8 assignments which nak perlu hantar next week. Ahad, 18 august dah fly ke sabah dah, balik ke reality haha.

Well, in a nutshell, from Form 6 to Unitar to IPG. Memang banyak la pengalaman fatin nak cerita kat cuci cicit nanti lulz.

                 " Spread your wings and explore what other cultures have to offer, as well as what you have to offer to the world. Spread Love and Unity to each and everyone you meet. Simple People, Doing Simple Things In A Big Way." - Bobby Roghubir / Choka Lyme

So it's true. Life memang unexpected and unpredictable.

Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia

Assalamualaikum semua. I'm back! SPM officially dah habis on 27 November which paper Fatin habis earlier than other students yang lain habis on 6 Disember hari tu. Kalau dibanding paper trial and spm, my opinion is trial lagi senang tapi grade high nak mampus but spm pun kira okay la dengan certain grade yang low maybe. In shaa Allah tahun ni kalau da rezeki gred tolong low lah ya!

Well well well walaupun as the saying goes, "past is past", Fatin masih jugak nak berbuka and share opinion Fatin ngan papers yang Fatin dah ambik which are - Bahasa Melayu, English, Math, Agama, Sejarah, ICT, Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Addmath. Ah yes I'm in the Science stream memang parah! Kalau diikutkan before ni nak ambik Art stream tapi memandangkan nak jaga hati parents, terpaksa la masuk. Tapi sememangnya hati ini tidak dapat dipaksa nak minat ke arah Science stream ni sebab memang kepala hotak Fatin ni budak sastera. Before ni confident je masuk science stream nak set lepas je school kira nak ambik medic la kan nak jadi doktor tapi dah tengok performance result Fatin in Science stream, perghhhhhhhhh mampus. Last last, I swear lepas je habis SPM ni tak nak dah ambik benda benda yang related to Science. Tak pakar la sorry lah.

Back to our topic just now... so Bahasa Melayu was the first paper yang Fatin duduk on 5 November and subjek ni memang favourite gila lah! And okay Bahasa Melayu bahagian essay memang Fatin berpuas hati. Banyak idea mencurah curah nak buat novel pun boleh kalau cukup masa kan. Ahax. But yang tak bestnya, ada part soalan bina ayat, Fatin careless sangat confirm hilang 6 markah kesemuanya sebab tak baca arahan. Arahan nak ini, Fatin buat tu. K move on.

English okay la. Yang best nya, essay kira okay la kebanyakan essay hal saving money. Pandai pulak aku berceramah on saving money sedangkan aku sendiri dewa pemboros kalau boleh diberi RM 1K pun, habis duit sehari shopping!!!!!!!!  Haha

Maths HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Ada cerita disebaliknya. Malam before paper Math aku memang takda blaja  pun. Sentuh kalkulator pun apatah lagi!!! Then last last bila bangun pagi, 'kamboh (it means 'kecoh') je Fatin cari kalkulator yang HILANG. Baru je aku sedar kalkulator aku hilang dah berminggu minggu. Pas tu kecoh la call semua contacts last last pergi pinjam calculator dari junior school lain. Dah tu masuk je dewan peperiksaan, nak tahu apa terjadi? Cikgu maths aku dah sedia lebih 10 CALCULATORS untuk sapa yang lupa bawak. Memang TBT*&*O@N7ocq3!! Paham? Hahaha. Overall maths memang senang!!! Check punya check objective dapat 36/40. Alhamdulillah lah.

Sejarah tak okay part essay. Lain yang aku hafal, lain yang kuar. Objective sejarah dah check 31/40. K

ICT lah paper paling lawak di dunia. Kau paham tak, boleh je soalan tanya hal banjir. Fatin tengok paper tu nak ketawa pun tak, nak bangang pun tak. Soalan tu tanya berbunyi, "Dimanakah anda hendak letakkan computer sekiranya banjir berlaku di tingkat 1?" Dude, you gotta be joking me. Seriously. Memang berserah segala galanya la :(

Hm... physics memang tak okay. Objective aku check 34/50. Yang part essay tu mampuih seperti biasa.

Addmaths kira okay la. Harap sangat sangat gred turun tahun ni. Bukannya apa, Fatin tinggal banyak gila soalan addmaths. Hampir 60% part calculation panjang tu Fatin tinggal semua. Dah tak da harapan lagi dah kan.

Chemistry sememangnya tak okay sebab hari tu okay migrain dan flu tahap dewa kerajaan langit T.T

Biology la paper science yang paling aku tak jangka akan menjadi okay sebab part essay memang okay. Aku tak mintak A la, cukup la credit.

So, overall Fatin aim at least 6A. Tolonglah future ni. Soal hidup dan mati. Somehow kalau Fatin dapat result yang tak memuaskan Fatin yakin masih banyak opportunities di luar sana yang ada dapat kita ambik. Fatin nasihatkan seteruk mana pun result SPM korang nanti, ingatlah masih banyak lagi peluang yang korang dapat dicapai. Tidak semesti result yang gempak menjamin masa depan yang cerah. Even Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg once kena kick out oleh Universiti tapi finally mereka ada semangat untuk berjaya, yang penting tu RAJIN, tak boleh nak malas la kan. Man jadda wa jadda, siapa yang berusaha, dia lah yang berjaya.

Lots of love, Terima Kasih Tuhan Itu Fatin Xx

BAHASA EwwW

First of all, korang tak payah baca post ni, kalau korang belum watch video yang aku post! Aku dapat video ni dari channel youtube matluthfi90 . Mamat ni pun kelakar gak video dia! Yang satu ni, anwar hadi sumpah aku salute giler ngan mamat ni post video. Ketawa nak mati? Eh ye ke?

So, please please and please watch okay? I recommend you to follow him on youtube. So sapa yang belum lagi watch video tadi, tolong sikit yewwWwWw? :p

MOVIES MANIAC

Kau tau maniac? Maniac tu stands for kita addict with something gitu gitu lah. So aku ni kiranya movies maniac. Dalam sebulan, it's a MUST for me to watch new movies! Macam last year, orang syok syok PMR, aku sempat gak enjoy tengok wayang time bulan nak PMR. Apa lagi mak bapak aku pokpekpokpek marah kat aku selalu sangat keluar tengok wayang, nanti dapat result teruk lagi mampuih. Last last, nahhhhh diam seribu kali diam tengok result PMR aku KA-BOOM. lepas tu dia orang dah tak brani nak sound if aku keluar selalu. Well aku bukan nak cakap sombong, you know it's a privilege for you if you know how to grab your time between the chance to study hard and chance to enjoy yourself 24/7. kau paham tak? Maksudnya, tak jadi masalah kalau kau enjoy selalu tapi kau tahu macam mana hendak bagi masa ngan study. Lagi lagi bila dah masuk Form 4 ni aku kira nya dah naik malas sampai result aku banyak yang teruk. Nasib lah mak bapak aku tak pokpekpokpek sebab dia orang GIVE A HIGHER EXPECTATION, kau tahu dia orang tak pokpekpokpek sebab dia orang ingat aku boleh dapat straight A's for SPM nanti! Aku takut pulak kalau hasrat tak menjadi nanti maley(*maley=memalukan) Adoh mak

Weh sorry asal pulak aku boleh terjun terus kat topik akademik aku?! Oh ya, cakap pasal movies maniac ni dalam bulan syawal ni, kau tau la kan budak budak time raya gerenti dapat banyak duit. Tu ada member aku banyak dapat income cehh sehari dah dapat kutip RM100+ haktuihhhhh, aku ni RM 10 je tauuuu :P Dah pulak tu, dah tahu aku ni movies maniac, bila dah terfikir hal duit raya nak masuk, apa lagiiii nak belanja pakai watch movies lah! Aku tak kesah kalau membazir ke apa, aku pun tak paham kenapa, macam kalau kita dah minat sangat kat something, kita pun tak kesah kan kalau berkorban? Pergh. Tapi tu la, aku kira nanti nak beli member card for movies! Senang la aku tak payah nak sempit kan diri berbabiqueue up nak tengok movies tapi bila kenangkan aku tak mampu nak bayar member card terpaksa aku korban kan dulu :( Tak pe la kan hahaha chill. Banyak list movies aku nak tengok, tapi aku rasa of course lah aku tak ada kesempatan nak watch semua movies aku minat! Ehh tak dapat, masa cemburu gila macam qcm98qa3n4y21qphv. Aku kiranya minat cerita nii

• CARS 2
• FINAL DESTINATION 5
• SPY KIDS 4
• THE ZOOKEEPER
• RISE OF THE PLANET APES
• HANTU BONCENG (Release Date:Wednesday, August 31, 2011)
• THE SMURFS(Release Date:Thursday, September 01, 2011)

Banyak kan? Ye aku tau. Tapi aku rasa yang movie aku sempat tengok nanti tak lain tak bukan FINAL DESTINATION 5,HANTU BONCENG,THE SMURFS JEEE. JE? Gerenti layan siottt. Aku tak puas hati lah cuti ni sekejap je. Ye la, tak de masa nak tengok wayang apa semua sebab banyak busy ngan raya ni.

KAU ORANG AMACAM? ADA UPCOMING MOVIE YANG BEST TAK? :)